Parent says: 'Tell me what you need right now. Not what they did. What do you need?' Each child states a need rather than an accusation. Parent paraphrases both: 'So you need [X]. And you need [Y]. Are those right?' No fault-finding. No judgment on who started it. The structure breaks the blame cycle by redirecting from a past event to a current state. Research: 62% improvement in prosocial behavior when sibling conflicts are addressed through needs-based framing (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 2023).

How to do it

1Say: tell me what you need right now. Not what they did. What do you need.
2Let each child answer. Don't prompt or suggest words for them.
3Paraphrase each one back: so you need this, and you need that — is that right?
4Leave both needs visible. You're not solving anything. You're just making the real picture clear.

Variations

If a child can't name a need: offer the younger one a short menu — "space, quiet, or a turn" — instead of asking them to generate a word from scratch.
How it ends: say both needs back once, then stop talking — you're not required to solve either one right now, just to have named it.

💡 Parent tip

Say 'what do you need right now?' not 'what do you need from them?' The first is an internal state question. The second reopens the interpersonal conflict. One word changes the direction the child looks.

What your child develops

Needs identification — children learn to recognize and articulate what they want at a state level, not a blame level
Conflict reframing — the question redirects from grievance to current need, which is actionable
Emotional literacy — identifying a need requires more self-awareness than identifying a grievance