Promise to return in 10 minutes and keep the promise. The child doesn't need you to stay. They need certainty that you're coming back. Most are asleep before the 10 minutes are up. But knowing the check-in is coming is enough to release the grip that keeps them calling out.
How to do it
- 1"I'm going to check on you in ten minutes. I'll be back."
- 2Return in exactly ten minutes. Check quietly, whether they're awake or not.
- 3If awake: 'I said I'd come back. I have. I'll check again in fifteen.'
- 4Extend the window gradually: ten, then fifteen, then twenty. Most children never see the twenty-minute visit.
Variations
- **Korb-Tür:** If they cry or call out before the ten minutes: Don't go back yet. Wait for the timer. Keep your promise exactly as stated.
- **Ausstieg:** Return in exactly ten minutes. Check quietly. If awake: "I said I'd come back. I have. I'll check again in fifteen." Extend gradually. Most fall asleep before you return again.
💡 Parent tip
Keep every promise. If you say 10 minutes, return in 10 minutes. The first broken check-in resets the whole system. Consistency is the technique.
What your child develops
- Secure attachment — the return is the regulator, not continuous presence
- Trust in promises — kept promises build the confidence that the adult will return
- Gradual independence — the window grows as the pattern becomes predictable
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